i’m finding myself overwhelmed with everything i want to do (mainly regarding the books i want to read, the stories i want to write and the games i want to play) and because of that i’ve ended up doing pretty much nothing that i want to do these past two weeks. because if i chose one thing to do, all those other things weigh down on me like “hello! what about us?” which is terribly distracting. so, it feels calmer to just neglect it all, a balanced and equally distributed kind of negligence. it’s an unhappy comfort (which turns into a question of priorities: is it best to be happy or comfortable? happy of course. is it easer to be happy or comfortable? comfortable of course. sadly the best and the easiest ways rarely exist on the same pinpoint.) i wish i could pause the hours of the day, i wish i never needed sleep, i wish the endless freedom of choosing what to do with my own time would be less paralyzing. these periods of nothingness frustrate me to no end — i keep falling into the same trap over and over again. it’s the feeling of having a lot to do. but i don’t even actually have to do it! i don’t have to read the way i have to do the dishes. i don’t have to write the way i have to do the laundry. i don’t have to play stardew valley the way i have to feed my bunnies. it’s all in my head. i know i’ll come around again, i always do, especially whenever i finally realize that ah. this again; dammit!
is this the fatal flaw donna tartt writes about in the secret history’s first chapter? her character richard’s is a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs, and here is mine: a habit of making everything i love into a chore, until i can do it no more.
Why must you vex me so? I feel like I’ve been going quite mad setting up this website — I will certainly never consider web-design, should I ever look for a change in career. Does this blog look like hours of confusion and aggravation to you? No, I think not. Is it the product of it though? Yes, yes it is.
But I believe I am quite happy with it now. Might switch up the color theme from time to time depending on what I feel like (for now, green and shock pink apparently).
the apricity fairy 